When I was a lad...

At some point early on I learned a story which I have told to students and others, often.

There was a man who always walked in the sunlight.

He lived on a street like a narrow canyon with tall buildings on both sides but the sun rise was in the EAST beyond the building across the street from his front door.

In the mornings the bright sun was blinding and warm and made the far side of his street dark with black pools of shadows, mysterious and a little frightening.

The man loved the feeling of being safe and warm in the bright sun so he always turned to the left and walked to work on the sunny, bright side of the street.

For many years he walked only in the sunshine-even on cloudy days he walked the same path and never crossed the street.

He fell in love, raised a family and grew old, always in the place he knew and trusted, he even taught his children and their children to walk in the light.

One day when he was a very old man for some reason he thought to himself "I am old and have nothing left to fear, I have had a good life, known love and held my head high-I think I will see how it feels to walk a new, strange even scary path."

Coming out of his door he stood for a moment letting the sun warm him and then drew himself together and walked across the street and into the shadows.

He had to stand a moment and let his eyes adjust to the gloomy dusky place and when he finally could see he realized that by a stairway there was a riot of the most beautiful flowers in a lush garden of ferns and mosses, delicate flowers, iridescent beetles, jewel like humming birds and butterflies, all in a cool moist protected place.

For all these years this garden had been just out of sight, hidden and so avoided and by being avoided had been an unknown stranger a lost treasure.

The man thought to himself that maybe he had been foolish and should have found this place long ago and then he drew himself together and walked back into the sunlight where he was warm and safe for so many years and in the light he walked away into eternity...weeping.

When we always walk in the light we can be blinded by the light, we can imagine monsters where there are none and we can go lacking the joys of discovery into eternity.

It's not a sad story, nor a happy story-its a story about fear, indecision and being trapped.

Would it be better if the man had never crossed the street and not known what ge had missed? What if instead of beauty there had been death, decay and ugliness in the darkness? What if monsters had lurked there?

We are taught early on to fear monsters that often we build for ourselves or are taught to know-we are given the impression that all the scary things are in the dark and the light is full of beauty and good things YET we know this isn't true.

Monsters are all around us some in very clever disguises and sometimes the dark is a safe place to be, to hide in away from the monsters.

At the same time living in the dark doesn't often encourage things to flourish. In the story there is a magical garden but it is hidden and protected in a small area-the man doesn't take time to see what else is living there-he just sees the pretty things. Then he runs away and doesn't look back.

My feeling is we need to be honest with ourselves, investigate our monster building (and destroying) skills and find a way to achieve balance.

For awhile I was really crippled by Agoraphobia-I simply couldn't go out it was too scary-it was so much easier to be inside where the darkness and quiet would hide me from so many things I didn't want to deal with.

I thought about all the things I was missing and weighed the pros and cons and finally decided I would get someone to go with me from my safe inside place to a more scary out side place-when that became comfortable I went further and eventually I was able to go alone where I wanted to go and do most of what I wanted to do.

My anxiety is a monster and not only does it stay close to me but it changes and fools me, lulls me into feeling safe (and sane) and then without warning it rears up in a new disguise-I have pretty much learned what I need to do to make it calm down and go away, allowing myself the knowledge that it isn't gone forever but also knowing that a panic attach won't kill me even if I am on the freeway going 70 MPH.

I have a tool chest: figuratively; my ART is a tool, my words are a tool there are other things in there and some I have never had to use-what isn't in there is a sunny, safe place to hide in...I don't need that nor do I want that-I want balance.

Some days I have to put on my armor, my alternate selves that know how to face the world and challenges-some of them like RESOLVE I find exhausting...its hard for me to be steadfast and strong and decisive for long periods I just don't like it PASSIVE is almost impossible for me as is DISINTERESTED.

Only you know if anything is keeping you trapped-but TRAPPED is not a good place to be.

Trapped is victimized, impotent, manipulated...you have the power to untrap yourself you just need a little help and encouragement and lots of courage.

COURAGE is hard-so often we hear people say I didn't think I could do that or I didn't think I would make it-but they did and will continue to surprise themselves by facing many challenges that they thought were beyond their abilities to cope.

We are all heroes we just need to allow ourselves to accept it-reward yourself when you do well but don't punish yourself even if you feel you've failed.

A very human mechanism is setting a goal which we know is virtually impossible and then just as we are about to reach the goal punishing ourselves by sabotaging the process.

We want to lose 10 pounds so we give ourselves two weeks-even a month is hard-we lose 8 of the ten pounds and we have three says to go so we starve for a day and when we have only lost a small amount (or, horrors, possibly gained a bit) we punish ourselves by eating a cake (or the equivelant-so we prove we could not do it by making it impossible instead of rejoicing at how close we came and setting a new goal that is reasonable and starting on that one.

You can see people give up-they suddenly turn gray or beige or even shadowy black-they hide out in their self induced shadow and try to pass unnoticed...it doesn't work, people will notice.

There are even some who turn bright pink, or RED or green and think that covers up the dark place they are in...people notice that as well----what we need is balance , the ability to not fail but also to reward ourselves for coming close to winning or actually reaching our goals.

More importantly we need to NOT allow others to assist us in self loathing-that old saw MISERY LOVES COMPANY is all too tue and often it's the person we think we get the most support fro who is slyly pulling us into the tar.

I have no miracle answer here-sorry...it's a journey and a process traveled in small steps and little victories but one needs to hold on to one word HOPE...one of my favorite words.

There is always HOPE until the moment comes when we can no longer find a way to hope but one thing-NEVER hope you can apologize to someone-just go apologize-don't HOPE yo can get back into being creative someday-someday is here go DO IT and then Hope you will see the day when you reach your personal goals...and above all NEVER say "I HOPE YOU KNOW how much I acre-show them that yo care in every way you can....and also never put BUT into a sentance where it negates everything that came before it.

My Mother was fond of saying "I love you BUT...." I never heard the first part only what came after it which was something like "you need to forget this art stuff and find a job that makes money">

"I support you in what you're doing BUT this DIET stuff just doesn't work for you", How many times have I heard that one?

You will find that this sentance structure is very hard to break and I love you DESPITE is the same thing (however, if only, instead etc etc).

I love you....I like you....I admire you....I need you (that one is iffy)...simple declarations without limits and parameters-so powerful.

I hope we all find balance and can walk in the middle of the street BUT don't take my word for it find out for yourself....I care about you and I hope YOU care about you.

May all your monsters be benign....

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